Saw a werewolf at the bus …
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
Continue ReadingA friend of mine got me a …
A friend of mine got me a new car for my birthday; it wasn’t the car I wanted, but he’d already paid for it. It was a Fiat Accompli.
Continue ReadingWhat do you get if you cr …
What do you get if you cross a Monkey with a Scouser? Nothing. The monkeys are far too clever to screw a Liverpudlian.
Continue ReadingMy wife is a self harmer. …
My wife is a self harmer. She eats her own cooking.
Continue ReadingWhat do you call an adole …
What do you call an adolescent rabbit? A Pubic Hare
Continue ReadingI couldn’t think how to g …
I couldn’t think how to get rid of this indigestion……………..then the rennie dropped.
Continue ReadingI hear Rowan Atkinson has …
I hear Rowan Atkinson has been admitted to hospital ever since he crashed his car. What did he expect when sitting on a comfy chair on the roof of it, operating the steering wheel with rope and the pedals with a broom handle?
Continue ReadingMy mate asked me to look …
My mate asked me to look after his three kids. I don’t mind.
Continue ReadingI’m moving to Jamaica to …
I’m moving to Jamaica to become a hairdresser. Quite frankly I’m dredding it.
Continue ReadingI recently carried out an …
I recently carried out an armed robbery at my local post office and got away with a substantial amount of cash. Unfortunately I left behind a handfull of 2p and 1p pieces which had traces of my DNA on. I got caught by the coppers.
Continue ReadingLondon sperm bank: I love …
London sperm bank: I love coming here!
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend called me c …
My girlfriend called me conceited today and I wasn’t sure what that meant. It was probably a compliment of how amazing I am.
Continue ReadingAs you lie back, your mus …
As you lie back, your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right […]
Continue ReadingI went to the hardware sh …
I went to the hardware shop. I said, “this riding lawnmower is stupid.” They said, “next time, you get on top.”
Continue ReadingI’m devastated. I’ve just …
I’m devastated. I’ve just found out that some of the money that I donated in 1984-85 for insurgent groups to buy weapons was redirected to buy food and medicines for victims of the Ethiopian famine.
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