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Pilates – chinese naval criminals who after boarding, leave you slightly fitter..

I just can’t stand joonerism spokes.

I’ve just started a sewing machine choir. Got a great bunch of singers.

I went to the doctors and said, “I’m sick and tired of finishing crosswords so quickly!” He said, “Try not to get two down sir.”

For her birthday, I got my wife a preserved insect parasite that is 2,000 years old. I think it’s romantick anyway.

A man’s been found guilty of death by dangerous driving after running down 5 people whilst eating weetabix at the wheel of his car. When quizzed on why he had done this he simply replied ‘I just couldn’t breakfast enough’

I live in a huge house Did I mansion?

I’ve just played my first round of golf this evening. It was 590 yards to the first pin, I thought that’s a fairway.

I got that warm and fuzzy feeling today. In my defence, the toilet was too far away from the pool.

The wife kept saying the same thing over and over again. Turns out it was just a phrase she was going through