I called my boss this mor …
I called my boss this morning and said, “Sorry, but I’m going to be a bit late.” “How late?” “24 hours.”
Continue ReadingI like to put thumb tacks …
I like to put thumb tacks on the heels of my wife’s shoes. Just to keep her on her toes.
Continue ReadingI’d call your mum a “fult …
I’d call your mum a “fulthy butch”, if I was U.
Continue ReadingI just got a free Hula Ho …
I just got a free Hula Hoop for buying the Daily Mail. Don’t know what flavour they were though, because it tasted like plastic.
Continue ReadingHow do you kill an Africa …
How do you kill an African child? Cancel the direct debit.
Continue ReadingI remember when my ex-gir …
I remember when my ex-girlfriends were all over me. Now they’re all over me.
Continue ReadingI’ve just released a herp …
I’ve just released a herpes-scented deodorant. It’s called “Jersey Sure”.
Continue ReadingMy mate asked whether I k …
My mate asked whether I knew a way to travel around without using my own transport. Gave him the thumbs up.
Continue ReadingI asked Siri to call me a …
I asked Siri to call me an ambulance since I was experiencing chest pains. It responded by telling me it would call me ‘an ambulance’ from now on.
Continue ReadingI used to love watching o …
I used to love watching old war movies as a child but that’s a thing of the past.
Continue ReadingIf there’s one thing I ca …
If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s people who talk while I’m interrupting
Continue ReadingDid you hear about the ca …
Did you hear about the cannibal who only ate vegetables? He particularly like the ones with Down’s Syndrome
Continue ReadingI’m not saying my Sat Nav …
I’m not saying my Sat Nav isn’t up to date but when I took my car on the cross channel ferry it kept warning- “Here there be monsters”.
Continue ReadingWhilst I was having dinne …
Whilst I was having dinner with my new girlfriend last night she said, “There’s something I think I should tell you, I’ve got that thing that Steve Jobs had. I’ll understand if you want to break up with me before we get too serious.” “Are you kidding?” I replied. “I love girls who’ve got loads […]
Continue ReadingI was sitting relaxing wa …
I was sitting relaxing watching TV when my mate asked, “If you could do it all over again. Would you do anything different?” “Yes.” “Really? Which part? What would you change?” He asked excitedly “My answer to No.”
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