I’m a puppeteer – I had t …
I’m a puppeteer – I had to pull a lot of strings to get the job.
Continue Reading“Are fish healthy, doctor …
“Are fish healthy, doctor?” “I think so. I’ve never had to treat any.”
Continue ReadingI keep being called a pae …
I keep being called a paedophile in my local area, all because I wink at young children. Maybe I’m not playing ‘Tiddlywinks’ correctly.
Continue ReadingIf you’re having trouble …
If you’re having trouble at sea and need the coast guard its best not to mention you tried calling the AA before them. They haven’t quite got over that slogan.
Continue ReadingEveryone in my office was …
Everyone in my office was really hot this afternoon. I probably shouldn’t have had that fifth beer at lunchtime.
Continue ReadingI’ve drawn Phil Taylor in …
I’ve drawn Phil Taylor in the first round of the darts…. It’s a pretty good likeness i think.
Continue ReadingBBC News: “Missing touris …
BBC News: “Missing tourist found alive in US.” On holiday, strangely enough.
Continue ReadingI made some clown shoes o …
I made some clown shoes once. That was no small feat.
Continue ReadingHow can you tell if a beg …
How can you tell if a begger is faking it for the money? Tell them a knock knock joke and see if they answer.
Continue ReadingIf you have a choice betw …
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this. You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Continue ReadingI went into a fancy dress …
I went into a fancy dress shop and asked the woman working there if they had any ghost costumes. She said “We don’t sell those, I’m afraid.” Stupid cow. They’re not that scary.
Continue ReadingI walked into a rather in …
I walked into a rather intimidating Dragons Den the other day. It sneezed and burnt my eyebrows off.
Continue ReadingSnip…Sniiiip. Hmmm. Nop …
Snip…Sniiiip. Hmmm. Nope, seems that cats look better WITH ears…
Continue ReadingI’ve certainly got my eye …
I’ve certainly got my eye on the ball… Last time I go to an orgy in a telephone box.
Continue ReadingWhat job did they give to …
What job did they give to the Thalidomide girl? Shorthand typing!
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