My girlfriend left me bec …
My girlfriend left me because I’m “a clueless idiot.” I didn’t even know I had a girlfriend.
Continue ReadingA bloke tried to arrest m …
A bloke tried to arrest me for smashing up a coconut shy and punching the bloke in charge of the waltzers. It was a fayre cop.
Continue ReadingThank you, True Crime, fo …
Thank you, True Crime, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
Continue ReadingI hate shallow women. You …
I hate shallow women. You can only get it halfway in, and even then the tip bangs against her cervix.
Continue ReadingI was stopped and searche …
I was stopped and searched by a copper on the way home from the pub last night. As he was about to go through my pockets, he said to me, “Have you got anything sharp on you?” So I said, “Well, this jacket’s by Hugo Boss.”
Continue ReadingMy wife thinks I’m weird …
My wife thinks I’m weird for inviting my 10 year-old sons’ girlfriend around to our house for dinner. Apparently I should have invited my wife and son as well.
Continue ReadingI was in a music store to …
I was in a music store today and I came across a guitar book I inspected it and on the front it said ‘This book helps with strumming, fingering, slapping and soloing.’ And now i realise why guitarists get all the girls.
Continue ReadingYou just can’t beat a fem …
You just can’t beat a feminist.
Continue ReadingA backwards poet writes i …
A backwards poet writes inverse.
Continue ReadingI’m not afraid of flying. …
I’m not afraid of flying. I am, however, afraid of being 35,000 feet in the air and suddenly “not” flying.
Continue ReadingI hate erections. They th …
I hate erections. They think they’re so hard.
Continue ReadingThere’s a new pill on the …
There’s a new pill on the Market for dealing with unwanted children. They’re basically nurofen disguised as smarties.
Continue Reading“Church synod allows wome …
“Church synod allows women bishops ” Puts an all new emphasis on bashing the bishop.
Continue ReadingFacebook: Reducing the am …
Facebook: Reducing the amount of Birthday cards i get since 2003
Continue ReadingThe missus is dragging me …
The missus is dragging me to see the inlaws tomorrow. A special forces rescue team would be appreciated…though preferably not an American one
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