Had my first ever lock-in …
Had my first ever lock-in at the pub yesterday. I do wish they’d fix those toilet doors.
Continue ReadingI bought a train ticket a …
I bought a train ticket and the driver said, “Eurostar.” I said, “Well I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin?” Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar, it’s murder on the Orient Express…
Continue ReadingI’ve just seen this headl …
I’ve just seen this headline : ‘Man Kills Hamster In Microwave’. Bing.
Continue ReadingTwitter; The only Bird I’ …
Twitter; The only Bird I’m going to tell about my day.
Continue ReadingA magician calls a man up …
A magician calls a man up on stage, hands him a mallet and instructs the man to hit him as hard as possible on the head. The magician then proceeds to put his head down on a wooden block. The man shrugs his shoulders and takes a mighty swing. Three years later, the magician wakes […]
Continue ReadingI could have made a caree …
I could have made a career as a professional snooker player if only I’d got a break.
Continue ReadingWhat did the i say to the …
What did the i say to the !? “Wish I could do a handstand.”
Continue ReadingI really don’t understand …
I really don’t understand EBay. I’ve got valuable items on there that don’t get a bit of interest, but some tatty old pictures of me as a kid in the bath has already got 6 bids.
Continue ReadingI called my wife today an …
I called my wife today and said, “I bought that table you asked me to get from Ikea today.” She said, “Have you made it up?” I said, “Yes… I forgot, I’ll get it tomorrow.”
Continue ReadingI know I have found a sui …
I know I have found a suitable young girl to target on facebook when I go on her profile and the I get the warning: “This page contains some insecure content.”
Continue ReadingI’ve been doing some rese …
I’ve been doing some research into my family tree, and it turns out my Great Grandfather was a terrible dictator. Apparently none of his secretaries understood a word he said.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend keeps compl …
My girlfriend keeps complaining that I prioritize irrelevant things above her and that I have no concept of what is important. Something like that anyway, I had to move her mid sentence because she was blocking the Countdown conundrum
Continue ReadingHave you heard about the …
Have you heard about the newest fashion trend? Men wearing Ugg boots. Apparently they’re called Muggs.
Continue ReadingLittle Johnny lived in th …
Little Johnny lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and Little Johnny hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and Johnnie determined that one day he would push that outhouse […]
Continue ReadingWhen adverts say how amaz …
When adverts say how amazing their products are. I don’t buy it.
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