I have a third party, fir …
I have a third party, fire and theft policy. And sadly, because of that, I no longer get invited to three-year-old’s birthday parties.
Continue ReadingI reckon when we eventual …
I reckon when we eventually invent the technology to travel millions of light years and get to alien civilisations, we should just leave patterns on their crops and leave.
Continue ReadingMy wife’s like a diesel e …
My wife’s like a diesel engine. Torque Torque Torque…
Continue ReadingCame downstairs Sunday mo …
Came downstairs Sunday morning and the wife was doing breakfast in her slippers I thought, must save up and get a pan
Continue ReadingI lost my job at lastminu …
I lost my job at lastminute.com for being persistently late.
Continue ReadingWhilst blindfolded, I pic …
Whilst blindfolded, I picked out a velvet smoking jacket, a Paisley patterned kipper tie, checked golfer’s plus-fours, a pair of lime green socks and some black loafers. I hate these blind taste tests.
Continue ReadingA gorgeous bird in my off …
A gorgeous bird in my office just came up to me to talk shop, and she opened up with the line “I’ve been thinking long and hard about it”. I immediately replied with “you’re correct”. She’s just reported me to the supervisor.
Continue ReadingMy new time machine is lo …
My new time machine is looking good tomorrow, it should be ready for yesterday.
Continue ReadingMy mate says that he’s a …
My mate says that he’s a rabbit carver, not a rabbit butcher. Personally, I think he’s just splitting hares.
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend gets all ex …
My girlfriend gets all excited when I lock her in a tiny cupboard. She can barely contain herself.
Continue ReadingMy mate suggested I tell …
My mate suggested I tell my wife about my magic addiction by writing her a letter I just can’t pick up the Penn and Teller
Continue ReadingWhen the wife requested a …
When the wife requested a ‘celebrity fragrance’ for her birthday I dont think ‘cillit bang by Barry Scott’ was what she had in mind
Continue ReadingSaw a video of people doi …
Saw a video of people doing over a News Agent in London. They were only following instructions, there was a big poster outside that said Loot.
Continue ReadingAfter winning the lottery …
After winning the lottery I thought, the first thing I’m going to do is fill my car with fuel. Then that dream was shattered as they announced that there had been two lucky jackpot winners.
Continue ReadingI tried to get my local c …
I tried to get my local chippie interested in selling minnows in batter. But he said he had bigger fish to fry.
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