All my mates have started …
All my mates have started calling me spiders because women scream when they see me in their house without realising that they swallow me 4 times a year whilst they sleep.
Continue ReadingI punched a plug socket t …
I punched a plug socket today… Fight the power.
Continue ReadingI’m very pleased with my …
I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I’ve got twelve fridges.
Continue ReadingChristmas is coming the g …
Christmas is coming the goose is getting fat, Please put a tenner in the old man’s hat, If you have’nt got a tenner, then a fiver will do, If you haven’t got a fiver, Then feel free to come to Britain and get everything paid for you.
Continue ReadingAnybody else think that l …
Anybody else think that little johnny, is going to have quite a remarkable life story?
Continue ReadingThere’s nothing like a wo …
There’s nothing like a woman with a logical mind. Literally
Continue ReadingMy mate asked me to look …
My mate asked me to look after his pet piranhas whilst he went on holiday for 3 weeks. He left me a voicemail yesterday asking me how they were but I had completely forgot to feed them. Luckily I went over his house and they were still swimming around happily. So I phoned him back […]
Continue ReadingI tried to book a flight …
I tried to book a flight home with BA this morning but he said ‘I aint gettin on no plane’
Continue Readingpeople think i’m weird be …
people think i’m weird because i only buried the right half of my dead daughter, but i just wanted to keep everything i had left of her.
Continue ReadingWhy did the H blow himsel …
Why did the H blow himself up? Because the G had.
Continue ReadingMy next door neighbour to …
My next door neighbour told me to stop following her around everywhere or she’d call the police. “You wouldn’t do that, would you?” I asked. “Watch me,” she replied. “No. You said you’d call the police.”
Continue ReadingMy investment in a maze b …
My investment in a maze buisness isn’t going well I can’t see a way out of it.
Continue ReadingMy paki neighbour’s got a …
My paki neighbour’s got an off licence. It’s a normal drivers licence but it smells really bad.
Continue ReadingIf a homeless man owns a …
If a homeless man owns a dog, is it a stray?
Continue Reading“That zebra you sold me i …
“That zebra you sold me is fake!” Shouted the owner of the zoo. “Well spotted.” I admitted.
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