As I caught the train thi …
As I caught the train this morning, I thought, Wish my son would stop throwing his model railway out of the window.
Continue ReadingSat in the hospital with …
Sat in the hospital with my wife before as she give birth to our first son. She asked “so what do you think babe?” I replied “this is the most wonderful day of my life, and I’ve never been so proud of something I’ve created.” Then after turning my focus away from my highest scoring […]
Continue ReadingI’m getting so fed up wit …
I’m getting so fed up with double standards for men and women. When my wife phoned John Lewis and asked to speak to someone in nightwear they put her straight through, but when I called and asked if I could talk to someone in crotchless panties they hung up and called the police.
Continue ReadingA charity bag for ‘Kidney …
A charity bag for ‘Kidney Research’ just came through my door, Instead of doing the usual and donating old clothes I decided to save them a lot of time and money and left them a little note instead… The kidneys are located behind the abdominal cavity in the retroperitoneum, The kidneys are paired organs with […]
Continue ReadingWomen should not have chi …
Women should not have children after 35. Really . . . 35 children are enough.
Continue ReadingMy mate says he can make …
My mate says he can make fish jump into his boat without lifting a finger. I’m sure there’s a catch.
Continue ReadingI proposed to my girlfrie …
I proposed to my girlfriend on an escalator yesterday. It was moving.
Continue ReadingDirty Harry named his dau …
Dirty Harry named his daughter Lucky, for the sole purpose of messing with any boyfriend she brought home.
Continue ReadingOld people. Attach a swee …
Old people. Attach a sweeping brush to the front of your mobility trolley. Now, instead of being a menace on the pavements, you can provide a valuable service to your community.
Continue ReadingA wife walks in and says …
A wife walks in and says to her husband; “I’ve some good news and some bad news!” “What’s the good news?” asks hubby. “The air bag on your brand new Audi works fine!”
Continue ReadingIn a strange car accident …
In a strange car accident yesterday I killed several Native American Indians, I lost control of my car on the A1 and ploughed straight through the central reservation…
Continue ReadingI’m doing community servi …
I’m doing community service at a funfair but today I stole a wobbly mirror. I just hope it doesn’t reflect badly on me.
Continue ReadingI was frustrated to reali …
I was frustrated to realise that the Lord was the only hope of salvation I had to block the course of the river. “God dam it”, I said.
Continue ReadingI think whoever works at …
I think whoever works at the marketing teams for cigarettes needs to be told that “Smoking Kills” is the worst slogan I’ve seen in years.
Continue ReadingLittle Johnny: “What’s Th …
Little Johnny: “What’s The difference between theoretically and realistically?” Dad: “It’s hard to explain. I tell you what, ask your mum if she would sleep with the milkman for a million quid and come and tell me what she says.” A couple minutes later, Little Johnny: “She said, ‘yes’.” Dad: “Now ask your sister if […]
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