“Those battery chicken fa …
“Those battery chicken farms are so sick, I don’t understand why we do it, who on earth would want to live in cramped conditions with millions of slow moving overweight chickens?” er, a fox?
Continue Reading“Sale – All Stock Must Go …
“Sale – All Stock Must Go!” Well done, you are a shop – that is what you’re meant to do.
Continue ReadingAfter hours of rioting on …
After hours of rioting on the ground floor of my local shopping center, police have cut the power to the lifts and the electric stairs, to try and stop the violence from escalating.
Continue ReadingThe wife asked me to take …
The wife asked me to take her out today, “With a rifle?” is apparently not the best response.
Continue ReadingJust heard that there wil …
Just heard that there will be a sequel to Gone in 60 Seconds. It’s rumoured to be set in Haiti
Continue ReadingSo i went to the fridge f …
So i went to the fridge for some cheese earlier and the strangest thing happened, there was a grinding sound like a crank, and i saw this elastic thing thrust forward, launching a boot at a bucket which toppled over leaving a marble zigzaging towards a chute it collided with a pole which at the […]
Continue ReadingTop tip: A ladder, turned …
Top tip: A ladder, turned upside-down, can be used for climbing down off things.
Continue ReadingI’m red all over. From my …
I’m red all over. From my head tomatoes.
Continue ReadingI love going out and pull …
I love going out and pulling birds. The bloke in the pet shop hates me though.
Continue ReadingI’ve recently opened a sm …
I’ve recently opened a small chain of supermarkets and I really want to get a celebrity chef to endorse it. I’m just worried that I won’t be able to find one willing to destroy their credibility by being in a cheap advert, just for the money.
Continue ReadingNew Oxford Dictionary ent …
New Oxford Dictionary entry reads: Clown’s pie (n). A very, very wet minge. “Finding ourselves alone in the shooting lodge at Balmoral, Her Majesty bade me descend to her ladygarden. After 50 years of widowhood, I found her to be considerably aroused. It was like being hit in the face with a clown’s pie”. (From”The […]
Continue ReadingAs I came home from work …
As I came home from work today, I went into the bedroom finding my phone still on charge from where I had forgotten it this morning. Looking to see if I had any missed calls I saw two texts from my mrs. “hey babe, you have left your phone at home. How silly of you” […]
Continue ReadingNow that so many sites we …
Now that so many sites went black today. Do you think they’ll ever go back?
Continue ReadingA physicist goes into an …
A physicist goes into an ice cream parlour and orders a sundae for himself and one for the stool sitting next to him, this goes on for a while until the owner actually asks the physicist what he’s doing. “I’m a physicist and quantum mechanics teaches us that its possible for the matter above this […]
Continue ReadingThere’s a Mcdonald’s for …
There’s a Mcdonald’s for everyone” Yeah, I tried telling a fat bloke that the salad was for him, it didn’t go down so well…
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