I’m a retired boxer and I …
I’m a retired boxer and I’m thinking of taking on golf as a hobby. Although many believe I should go into acting because apparently I’m the only dog they know that can talk.
Continue Readingi got kicked out of fat f …
i got kicked out of fat fighters today. apparently its not the British equivalent to sumo wrestling!
Continue ReadingI’m fluent in three langu …
I’m fluent in three languages. English, sarcasm and profanity.
Continue ReadingI’m just finding my feet …
I’m just finding my feet at work. I knew joining the bomb squad was a bad idea.
Continue ReadingThat moment during a meal …
That moment during a meal when the fat person is the only one who orders dessert.
Continue ReadingI only wanted Adobe to be …
I only wanted Adobe to be able to open pdfs. I had no idea they wanted a relationship. They won’t stop emailing me.
Continue ReadingWhat do houseflies and Ma …
What do houseflies and Mac users have in common? Neither of them understand how Windows work.
Continue ReadingI decided to sell my stuf …
I decided to sell my stuffed labrador on eBay. It didn’t fetch very much.
Continue ReadingGoing into a restaurant d …
Going into a restaurant dressed as a lobster can land you in hot water.
Continue ReadingUse Facebook for iPhone. …
Use Facebook for iPhone. Just to make sure everyone knows you have an iPhone when you post a status.
Continue ReadingI went to Kenya last year …
I went to Kenya last year on a Land Rover safari. It was a complete waste of time, I didn’t see a single Land Rover.
Continue ReadingIn the near past I’d like …
In the near past I’d like to invent a device to create herbs and spices. A Thyme machine.
Continue ReadingMy wife told me that i co …
My wife told me that i couldn’t manage to be a full-time dad and a successful magician at the same time Lets see what she says now i’ve turned my daughter into a woman
Continue ReadingA man said to me, “so wha …
A man said to me, “so whats your job?”. “A grave digger” I replied. “How’d you get into that” he said. “With a shovel”.
Continue ReadingSo I told my mum that I’d …
So I told my mum that I’d opened a theatre. She said, “Are you having me on?” I said, “Well I’ll give you an audition, but I’m not promising you anything.”
Continue Reading