I went up to my neighbour …
I went up to my neighbours oak tree the other day and asked it how it was doing? The oak just kept on saying “I’m Fine, I’m Fine” over and over again…. I guess his tree repeats itself.
Continue ReadingCut myself on a piano key …
Cut myself on a piano key this morning. Didn’t realise it was a G sharp
Continue ReadingWhat’s the difference bet …
What’s the difference between Burberry and a Facebook Comedian? Burberry uses its own material.
Continue ReadingMy favourite artist is Wh …
My favourite artist is Whitney Houston You’ve probably never heard of her She’s kind of Underground…
Continue ReadingLots of people have been …
Lots of people have been defending Amy Winehouse after her death. I mean its like they are trying to make her out to be some sort of heroine.
Continue ReadingWe are so poor, my wife’s …
We are so poor, my wife’s having ordinary K for breakfast.
Continue ReadingI’ve just bought a border …
I’ve just bought a border collie. The one I already had wasn’t bored enough.
Continue ReadingI ordered a pair of Itali …
I ordered a pair of Italian loafers off the Internet the other day. Imagine my surprise when two student stoners named Giuseppe and Tony turned up a few days later.
Continue ReadingTime is a great healer. W …
Time is a great healer. Well the injuries I received after quoting this on the cancer ward are starting to get better.
Continue ReadingI used to think symmetry …
I used to think symmetry was really hard at school. On reflection, it was easy.
Continue ReadingMy wife bought me a new c …
My wife bought me a new camouflage jacket and asked me to try it on. ‘It’s a bit too army’ I told her ‘But I thought you love the Army?’ She replied ‘I do love the Army’ I said, ‘I meant the sleeves are too long’.
Continue ReadingI’m a respectful builder, …
I’m a respectful builder, I never underestimate anyone.
Continue ReadingI’ve just found out I’ve …
I’ve just found out I’ve got a three year old daughter! My wife says I need to be a bit more attentive round the house.
Continue ReadingLast night, our son came …
Last night, our son came up to our room and asked if he could sleep in our bed because he was afraid of the monster in his closet. It’s already the third time this week, I hope his girlfriend doesn’t mind.
Continue ReadingBeyonce’s stage costume c …
Beyonce’s stage costume came apart just before a performance, but the sewing machine in the dressing room had broken down. Eventually they just used one of the back-up singers.
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