A lorry full of tortoises …
A lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.
Continue ReadingNostalgia is heroin for o …
Nostalgia is heroin for old people.
Continue ReadingI saw a poster saying, “I …
I saw a poster saying, “If you’ve seen this man, please contact us. 1000 reward.” So I phoned them up and said, “I seen him on the bus a few months ago.” Just waiting on the cash now.
Continue ReadingPretend that you’ve got a …
Pretend that you’ve got a toothbrush and in your hand, and then brush your tongue.
Continue ReadingThe school said my son is …
The school said my son is really clever and could end up being a scientist! I wonder where he gets that from? I’ll ask the milkman – he’s in Mensa and has been on Mastermind.
Continue ReadingYou know it’s cold outsid …
You know it’s cold outside when the dead babies in your shed turn into microwave meals.
Continue ReadingWhy couldn’t Dracula’s wi …
Why couldn’t Dracula’s wife sleep? Because of his coffin.
Continue Reading“Look right before exitin …
“Look right before exiting Station” So after topping up with petrol, I got out, tucked my shirt in and combed my hair.
Continue ReadingMy friend said he’d give …
My friend said he’d give me 100 if I did a bungee jump. I wasn’t falling for that.
Continue ReadingI saw a bunch of comedian …
I saw a bunch of comedians sponsored by Stella the other day… …some hits some missus…
Continue ReadingMy mate’s not really an e …
My mate’s not really an epileptic but he tells everyone that he is. He’s a convulsive liar.
Continue ReadingWhen I went to Mexico; I …
When I went to Mexico; I got ill from eating some dodgy cactus. I think it was spiked.
Continue ReadingMy nan has been diagnosed …
My nan has been diagnosed with terminal cancer. She said the one thing she wants to do before she dies is go on a cruise. So I took her for one round town, with the windows down in my 1.3 Nova.
Continue ReadingA lot of people tell me w …
A lot of people tell me when they drink coffee they can’t sleep. I have the same problem but the other way around, when I sleep I can’t drink coffee.
Continue ReadingA news report said that 9 …
A news report said that 954 offenders who should be in jail are still at large. Strangely enough i haven’t been able to get on sickipedia for the last half an hour because 954 people were looking at this page.
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