I walked out of my local take-away today and there was a charity worker outside giving out leaflets on how to donate items to the Haiti survivors. She asked me, “Can you spare a few tins of food for the starving people of Haiti?” “No. And I’m not even going to finish this kebab”.
Continue ReadingI used to work on the factory floor. Until the management told me I had to stand up.
Continue ReadingLanguage is a constantly evolving thing. For instance, the sentence “Omg, they have an fml app! wtf?” did not exist a year ago. In reality, it probably shouldn’t exist now either.
Continue ReadingIf all the people on this site dedicated as much effort trying get a girlfriend as they do finding duplicates and checking spelling, Sickipedia would be left with just a handful of gingers.
Continue ReadingI was at the cash machine earlier and noticed a sign saying “always protect your pin.” I took their advice and left my sewing kit at home the next time I went to use it.
Continue ReadingI got fired from my job as a film editor. I just couldn’t cut it.
Continue ReadingMy wife thinks I’m a terrible cook. She hasn’t tried my lamb strudel.
Continue ReadingI don’t know why my wife was so angry when she found out that I’d been sleeping with a Finnish girl called Minulle Mitaan. It means nothing to me.
Continue ReadingI’m reading a book called Suicidal Mountaineers. It has a lot of cliffhangers.
Continue ReadingWhat do you mean masturbation is a sin? I do it once a day religiously
Continue ReadingI saw a young girl splashing around in a river. Her dad was shouting “Shave her, shave her!” As I jumped in with my foam and razor he shouted “I shaid SHAVE her, shtupid!”
Continue ReadingBooked myself a holiday in Spain today. Should’ve just used a travel agent in England, took me ages to get here.
Continue ReadingWhen I was younger like everyone else, I had an imaginary friend. But mine was an alcoholic, and I called him dad.
Continue ReadingOne Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. “How do I get him to sing?” The young man asked, excitedly. “Simply hold […]
Continue ReadingMy girlfriend thought I had some real cheek to go up to her Mum and say, “Do my fingers smell of fish?” To which she replied, cowering away, “No, I don’t think so”. “I thought just as much” I replied. “Now go and get me some Birdseye instead of this Aldi rubbish”.
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