I had a Jack Daniel’s on …
I had a Jack Daniel’s on the rocks earlier. It’s dangerous on those cliffs.
Continue ReadingOriginally there were eig …
Originally there were eight dwarfs. Until Junky overdosed.
Continue Reading‘I guess you put all your …
‘I guess you put all your eggs in one basket,’ I laughed. Turns out that wasn’t the best way to ease the tension after the wife’s 0% fertility test result at the clinic
Continue ReadingJust remember women; whil …
Just remember women; whilst Fifty Shades of Grey may bring you climax it won’t cuddle with you after. I mean, neither will I, just saying…
Continue ReadingI got angry when my girlf …
I got angry when my girlfriend wouldn’t tell me about the book she was reading. I beat 50 shades of grey out of her.
Continue ReadingAfter Stephen Hawking’s w …
After Stephen Hawking’s wheel chair crashed into a bus stop, police have found it was a computer problem. A disabled driver
Continue ReadingI walked it to the kitche …
I walked it to the kitchen last night and my wife was cooking completely naked. “Why have you got no clothes on?” I asked. She replied, “Because the recipe said simmer uncovered.”
Continue ReadingI lost my keys this morni …
I lost my keys this morning. I had turned the house upside down, when a mate of mine told me to look in the place I least expect. Strangely enough, my keys are NOT in locker E17 of the women’s changing room in Iffley Gym, st. Bernard’s street, Andorra. What a waste of a trip.
Continue ReadingI think those ads that sa …
I think those ads that say ‘Get ripped in 4 Weeks’ are underselling a bit. It’s only been 1 minute since I paid for the DVD workout routine and I feel ripped.
Continue ReadingThere’s a giant flaw in d …
There’s a giant flaw in discos.
Continue ReadingIsn’t it ironic that wool …
Isn’t it ironic that wool’s worth more than Woolworths
Continue ReadingI saw a very impressive c …
I saw a very impressive constellation of stars last night. The regional manager was in my local McDonald’s.
Continue ReadingA man walks into a librar …
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on declining standards in modern day Britain. From behind his Daily Sport, the librarian mumbles “Get it yourself.”
Continue ReadingI was at the hospital tod …
I was at the hospital today when the doctor said, “Mr Smith, your wife is comfortable.” “I thought she was in a coma and in critical condition,” I said bemused. “She is,” he replied, “but she’s so fat, me and the other doctors use her like a beanbag.”
Continue ReadingMy boss called me into hi …
My boss called me into his office to see how my first day was going. He asked, “How are you finding your role?” I said, “If I’m honest, it could do with a little more mayo.”
Continue Reading