There’s this bloke who keeps birds of prey as a hobby. And he’s vacuuming his house, but all the light bulbs have blown and so it’s pitch black. Suddenly he has a flash of inspiration and decides to start a tribute act to an 80s electro-pop band. Hawk Kestrel Man Hoovers In The Dark.
Continue ReadingYou know what gets my goat? The vets van. Billy died earlier today.
Continue ReadingJust got back from my first weight watchers meeting. Everyone got on really well with each other. They laughed and joked and told stories about how they tried to lose weight. I felt a bit guilty sitting on the balcony with my binoculars and popcorn
Continue ReadingMy kids said they wanted me to make their burgers like they do in McDonald’s… so I spat in them.
Continue ReadingSports Direct Closing Down Sale. Fooling pikies since 2004.
Continue ReadingAn old couple were in a restaurant and the old man placed order for one hamburger, chips and a drink. He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counted out the chips, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one […]
Continue ReadingI didn’t know how to use my new keyboard, so I got a prototype.
Continue ReadingA woman goes to the psychiatrists carrying a duck under her arm. “What’s seems to be the problem?” asked the psychiatrist. “Well it’s not me with the problem.” Said the woman, “It’s my husband, he thinks he’s a duck.”
Continue ReadingGot my exam results today in the post. I’m pleased with the A. Don’t what I means, D isn’t great and I’m not sure what S is for.
Continue ReadingI bought a box of those press-on towels in Boots today. What a con – I used six and didn’t even get my arms dry.
Continue ReadingIf I said I was a compulsive liar, would you believe me?
Continue ReadingMy drug mule lost 50,000 of my cocaine today. I really should use a human like everyone else.
Continue ReadingWatches – It’s what’s on the inside that counts.
Continue ReadingDog: You pet me, you feed me, you shelter me, and you care for my every need. You must be a God! Cat: You pet me, you feed me, you shelter me, and you care for my every need. I must be a God.
Continue ReadingAn Irish lad goes to confession. The priest asks, “My boy, do you touch yourself at night?” “I do Father.” “And what do you think about when you touch yourself?” “I wish my nose would stop itching.”
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