I was beaten up by a 7, 9 …
I was beaten up by a 7, 9 and 11 year old last night. I’ve decided it’s time to get even.
Continue ReadingJust discovered a dubious …
Just discovered a dubious sore. Best go to a doctor before it turns sceptic.
Continue ReadingHow ironic, Message to al …
How ironic, Message to all Nigerian Princes, If you are able to deposit 1.3 million pounds into an investment account at USB Bank, We will release a Nigerian Banker
Continue ReadingThey say money doesn’t ma …
They say money doesn’t make you happy: I’ll take my chances being miserable around the pool then, thank you.
Continue ReadingSmoked some weed earlier. …
Smoked some weed earlier. Emptied a round from my Magnum into some skinny kid down the gym.
Continue ReadingAstronomy is looking up! …
Astronomy is looking up!
Continue ReadingThey’re going to put a cl …
They’re going to put a clock on the leaning tower of Pisa. That way it’ll have both the time and the inclination.
Continue ReadingYou know you’re lazy when …
You know you’re lazy when you’ve been unemployed for 5 months and have only just signed on.
Continue ReadingI’ve just knocked a guy t …
I’ve just knocked a guy to the ground, by hitting him over the head with some laminated wood….. I floored him.
Continue ReadingI just saw an advert for …
I just saw an advert for a new Ford. They come with an “Intuitive HMI dashboard”. I mean who wouldn’t want a Human Machine Interface, or steering wheel, as it’s better known.
Continue ReadingWhat would you rather be. …
What would you rather be… Or a wasp?
Continue ReadingSomeone has chopped all t …
Someone has chopped all the heads off of my daffodils… I think it was a stalker.
Continue ReadingTwo confirmed bachelors s …
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. “I got a cookbook once,” said one, “but I could never do anything with it.” “Too much fancy work in it, eh?” asked the other. “You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same “take a clean dish”
Continue ReadingI went shoplifting today. …
I went shoplifting today. I wouldn’t recommend McDonalds, it’s full of fat people.
Continue ReadingI was driving onto the ba …
I was driving onto the back of the ferryboat when I saw a sign above the entrance in large white letters: “Switch off your car alarm! Noncompliance will lead to a fine of 500 pounds.” That’s a stern warning, I thought.
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