My daughter brought her n …
My daughter brought her new boyfriend home today and to my horror he was brown. “Over my dead body are you seeing an ex prime minister!” I screamed.
Continue ReadingA black man asked me the …
A black man asked me the other day what irony was, so I stabbed him and took his wallet.
Continue ReadingOn the other hand, you ha …
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Continue ReadingI got arrested at B&Q ear …
I got arrested at B&Q earlier they accused me of stealing bricks, I was furious, I really took offence.
Continue ReadingWhat do you call it when …
What do you call it when someone murders another person? Homicide. What do you call it when someone murders a king? Regicide. What do you call it when someone completely murders music? Brokencyde.
Continue ReadingHistorians have discovere …
Historians have discovered that human rights activist Malcolm X was actually just called Malcolm, but he was rather affectionate at the end of his text messages.
Continue ReadingI was on cloud nine when …
I was on cloud nine when I thought… I really should give my sheep better names.
Continue ReadingThe wife was doing a cros …
The wife was doing a crossword and got stuck on, “9 letters – person shaking uncontrollably”. I said, “An epileptic fits”.
Continue ReadingYou know you’ve had a goo …
You know you’ve had a good curry when it’s spicier coming out than it was going in…
Continue ReadingTurned on my SatNav and i …
Turned on my SatNav and it said ‘Bear Left’ and there was the zoo. How good is that?
Continue ReadingI’ve just took on a seven …
I’ve just took on a seven foot black man. It’s mandatory to have a minority employee nowadays.
Continue ReadingRight, let’s flip a coin: …
Right, let’s flip a coin: Heads I get tail, Tails I get head.
Continue ReadingI’ve been Sober for 4 yea …
I’ve been Sober for 4 years now. The name John wasn’t really working for me.
Continue ReadingWhat is the similarity be …
What is the similarity between carbon dioxide and drum and base? They both ruin a perfectly good atmosphere.
Continue ReadingI’ve made a conscious dec …
I’ve made a conscious decision to stop eating meat. Yup, from now on I’m only going to eat McDonald’s.
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