I’ve been put on the wait …
I’ve been put on the waiting list for a new kidney. It’s a very exclusive butchers.
Continue ReadingI asked my Magic 8-Ball w …
I asked my Magic 8-Ball which email program would it recommend. “Outlook not so good” it said. Thanks, 8 Ball!
Continue ReadingI don’t understand any of …
I don’t understand any of these terms like LAN, WAN, ROM and RAM. It’s all Geek to me.
Continue ReadingMy wife asked me If I wou …
My wife asked me If I would organise a car boot yesterday so I agreed. The spare tyres on the left,the first aid kit is neatly tucked to the back and my golf shoes are right in the corner.
Continue ReadingI bought a car off a cann …
I bought a car off a cannibal earlier and got ripped off. Cost me an arm and a leg.
Continue ReadingTop Tip for alcoholics. D …
Top Tip for alcoholics. Drink as much as you like on long haul flights and don’t worry about being over the limit when you drive home from the airport – the time difference will have taken care of that.
Continue ReadingIf I could go back and ta …
If I could go back and talk to my younger self, I’d say “Don’t worry about anything. In the future you’ll invent a time machine.”
Continue ReadingI can’t breathe. I’m cryi …
I can’t breathe. I’m crying and hyperventilating while I’m trying to search for my inhaler whilst dad keeps yelling at me. I can’t even think straight. Yet I still have time to post this as my Facebook status.
Continue ReadingA man once told me that e …
A man once told me that every time he claps his hands a child in Africa dies! What a fantistic person trying to do his bit for charity. I think he deserves a round of applause!
Continue ReadingMy boss just shot down My …
My boss just shot down My latest Invention and fired Me. All I proposed was an extra-strength toenail emery board called the Pedi-File?
Continue ReadingMy vet keeps putting down …
My vet keeps putting down my pets. He tells them they’re fat.
Continue ReadingTook my little boy to his …
Took my little boy to his mate Leeroys birthday party earlier and I almost got roped into giving the kids donkey rides around the living room floor. Thats was a monkey off my back let me tell you.
Continue ReadingI went to the doctor’s to …
I went to the doctor’s today. He said, “You’re dying.” I said, “How do you know?” He said, “Your eyebrows are a different colour.”
Continue ReadingAt school I was perfect …
At school I was perfect I don’t know why they made me one I can’t even spell
Continue ReadingI’ve invented a contrapti …
I’ve invented a contraption which breaks up fights between a popular Labour politician and an Everton manager. It really separates the Benn from the Moyes.
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