If it ain’t broke, take i …
If it ain’t broke, take it apart and fix it.
Continue ReadingI drove my daughter’s gui …
I drove my daughter’s guinea pig to the vet’s this morning. I’m quite handy with my new Callaway golf clubs.
Continue ReadingI have just killed my pre …
I have just killed my pregnant wife and tomorrow I’m going to cut our dead baby out of her womb. Then I’m going to wait for my girlfriend to fall asleep and place the dead baby between her legs. I can’t wait, this is going to be the best April fools ever!
Continue ReadingI went into Currys today …
I went into Currys today to buy a TV. I asked these two salesman which TV has the better picture quality, LCD or Plasma. They then had an argument that went on for half an hour, they had contrasting views..
Continue ReadingI work in a clock factory …
I work in a clock factory and I’m late for work every single day without fail. My boss doesn’t mind though, I just make up time when I get there.
Continue ReadingNotice how there is no op …
Notice how there is no option in the relationship box for “happily married” on Facebook -edit- Notice how there is no Facebook.
Continue ReadingI was sitting amoung a tr …
I was sitting amoung a tribe of cannibals when one handed me a plate full of human digits. It was a finger buffet.
Continue ReadingMy 9 year old daughter ap …
My 9 year old daughter approached me the other day with THAT question. “Daddy where do babies come from?” Not wanting to delude her with stories of Stalks delivering babies i replied: “Well sweet heart what happened was Daddy made a big mess and your mother sat in it”.
Continue ReadingIs football racist? What …
Is football racist? What a dumb question. Everyone knows a football can’t talk.
Continue ReadingLife is like a midget at …
Life is like a midget at the urinal… … you have to be on your toes.
Continue ReadingThe flatpack furniture th …
The flatpack furniture that’s too difficult for me has yet to be built.
Continue ReadingThis new sundial I bought …
This new sundial I bought is useless. It doesn’t say whether it’s AM or PM.
Continue ReadingIf a cop comes up to me a …
If a cop comes up to me and says “papers”, do I win if I say “scissors”?
Continue ReadingKids these days don’t kno …
Kids these days don’t know they’re born. Seriously. We keep my brother in a large, moist sack and feed him through a tube.
Continue ReadingThere’s nothing I like mo …
There’s nothing I like more than ringing up Dominoes asking for a 10-incher and seeing the delivery guys face when I’m naked, waiting for him at the door.
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