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I had a few drinks in the Irish Rover last night. Apparently it doesn’t make a difference where the car is from, I’m still not allowed to drink drive.

My wife phoned me today to tell me that the fire alarm had gone off. I didn’t even realise it had a sell by date.

I handed in my notice at work today. I got rather bored of holding up that “Golf Sale” sign all day.

I ordered an 8 inch Cheese and Tomato Pizza from Dominos. I was shocked when it arrived as it was delivered by two midget monks. I phoned Dominos up and said, “What are you doing, having my pizza delivered by two midget monks?” “Well, it’s only a small order,” came the reply.

I’m a director and I’m looking for someone to act as a bee for a new film. If any one is interested, give me a buzz.

Taking ‘general knowledge’ as my chosen subject on Mastermind was a mistake. I’d only ever heard of Napoleon and Patton.

My driving instructor said, “Take the first exit at the roundabout.” So I opened the door and jumped out.

Raided the fridge last night. Unfortunately, not very much raping and pillaging to be had.

I want patience……. And i want it now!

My son has many downfalls… In my opinion, one copy of the game is enough.