My nan is so lonely that …
My nan is so lonely that when I told her Harold shipman was coming round she put the kettle on.
Continue ReadingThere’s no such thing as …
There’s no such thing as an ‘ok’ crocodile wrestler
Continue ReadingMy mate fancies himself a …
My mate fancies himself as an artist and wants to sketch me. I told him, “I’m very busy at the moment.” “How about next Sunday afternoon?” he suggested. I said, “Not too sure – but pencil me in.”
Continue ReadingMy daughter walked down t …
My daughter walked down the stairs earlier looking really hot. She said, “Dad, can you turn the heating down?”
Continue ReadingYes I do specialise maths …
Yes I do specialise maths, ladies please form a y=mx+c.
Continue ReadingWhat Americans call a zuc …
What Americans call a zucchini the British call a courgette. Where Americans have jelly, Britain has jam, Where Britain has jelly, America has jell-O. But most interesting of all is that Americans have the egg-plant, where as in Britain we get ours from chickens.
Continue ReadingFood fights. All fun and …
Food fights. All fun and games ’til someone loses a pie.
Continue ReadingI just bought a Swiss car …
I just bought a Swiss car. It runs like clockwork, but I can’t figure out how to get it out of neutral.
Continue ReadingDefinition of irony: the …
Definition of irony: the Scottish wind turbine which exploded in the wind.
Continue ReadingI wheeled my 50’s jukebox …
I wheeled my 50’s jukebox into A&E. “Can I help?” enquired the receptionist. “Yeah, I think I’ve got a slipped disc.”
Continue ReadingHeadline on BBC news : Pr …
Headline on BBC news : Professor David Nutt Sacked. I’m not sure what nutt sacking is but it sounds painful!
Continue ReadingIKEA flatpack furniture s …
IKEA flatpack furniture should come with a recording of “Eye of the Tiger”, so you can build the whole thing in a five minute montage.
Continue ReadingMy wife couldn’t breast f …
My wife couldn’t breast feed when she gave birth to our daughter, so I let her suckle off our labrador which had just had a litter of pups. Now here we are sixteen years later and there’s nothing wrong with her….. though in all honesty she is a bit of a dog …
Continue ReadingThe Met Office is predict …
The Met Office is predicting that next summer will be hotter and drier than average. Unfortunately, they are also predicting that next summer will be in 2019.
Continue ReadingIn his will, my Grandad l …
In his will, my Grandad left me a Victorian device for weaving wigs for yourselves and your children. It’s an old family heirloom.
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