I have spent all weekend …
I have spent all weekend trying to catch up with my washing. These 50mph winds are a nightmare.
Continue ReadingI’ve just doubled the eff …
I’ve just doubled the efficiency and trebled the capacity of my laptop. I deleted Windows.
Continue ReadingGive a man a fire and you …
Give a man a fire and you keep him warm for a day. Set a man on fire and you keep him warm for the rest of his life!
Continue ReadingI went on Dragons’ Den to …
I went on Dragons’ Den to pitch my new asphyxiation game. But I choked.
Continue Reading“How dare you break wind …
“How dare you break wind before my wife” said the host of a dinner party to his guest. “Oh I’m sorry” said the guest, “I didn’t realise it was her turn”.
Continue ReadingWhen my Hindu neighbour t …
When my Hindu neighbour told me he’d pray to his god for me to ease my bad back, I felt a shiva run up and down my spine.
Continue ReadingIrony. My wife was decapi …
Irony. My wife was decapitated in a head-on collision.
Continue ReadingI’m sick of kids stopping …
I’m sick of kids stopping me and taking my milk money off me every morning. I’m getting a turbo engine installed in my float as soon as I can afford it.
Continue ReadingAnyone can saw a woman in …
Anyone can saw a woman in half.It depends what you do with her afterwards that determines whether your future is in showbusiness or Broadmoor.
Continue ReadingAs I ate swedes with my d …
As I ate swedes with my delicious meal in Stockholm, I couldn’t help but chuckle to myself at the irony. Unfortunately, the authorities didn’t look quite as light heartedly at cannibalism as I.
Continue ReadingI can’t believe my wife d …
I can’t believe my wife didn’t know what bukkake meant … I wouldn’t let it drop and rubbed her nose in it all day.
Continue ReadingI didn’t think my friend …
I didn’t think my friend would be able to cure his own testicular cancer but he managed to pull it out of the bag.
Continue ReadingEvery new McDonald’s crea …
Every new McDonald’s creates 40 jobs. 20 dentists and 20 heart surgeons.
Continue ReadingI’m being sued for forcin …
I’m being sued for forcing my girlfriends to change their names to ridiculous things. I’m hoping to get off with Insanity.
Continue ReadingI had some Hunters stew t …
I had some Hunters stew today. He wasn’t happy when he found out.
Continue Reading