I said to my wife “Stop b …
I said to my wife “Stop being stupid. You know I always name the animals on the farm after fictional literary characters.” Yes”she replied “but why have you named the donkey, O.T?”
Continue Reading“The pen is mightier than …
“The pen is mightier than the sword.” Oh yeah, when was the last time a Muslim beheaded someone using a Parker?
Continue ReadingA skeleton walks into a b …
A skeleton walks into a bar, and asks for a pint of lager and a mop.
Continue ReadingMy Dad isn’t happy with m …
My Dad isn’t happy with my career choice as a police marksman. He told me I should aim higher.
Continue ReadingWhat do my wife and veter …
What do my wife and veterinary gloves have in common? They are both stuck up cows
Continue ReadingI was waiting in line for …
I was waiting in line for a club last night and the guy at the door was checking IDs. He was taking ages.
Continue ReadingMy wife had a right go at …
My wife had a right go at me this morning – she said, ‘You always lie, you always build my hopes up and you ALWAYS do the complete opposite to what you say you’re gonna do. You’ll never get anywhere in life!’ The jokes on her though, I nailed my interview for student finance yesterday
Continue ReadingIt looks like we’ve got a …
It looks like we’ve got a new postman. He just laughed when he came through the gate that has a sign “Beware of the Cat”. Must be his first time delivering to Safari World.
Continue ReadingWhoever said better late …
Whoever said better late then never obviously never had Herpes….
Continue ReadingMy stepson has thrown a t …
My stepson has thrown a tantrum and accused me of favouritism towards my own daughter, Chloe. I’d send him to his room in the outhouse if it hadn’t already been converted into a stable for Chloe’s new pony.
Continue ReadingA bald man is wanted for …
A bald man is wanted for stealing a bottle of Regaine. He`s keeping an eye out for the fuzz.
Continue ReadingThe bank want to reposses …
The bank want to repossess my tree-house. They say I haven’t kept up my mortgage payments but I’m convinced it’s just a mix-up from when I moved branches.
Continue ReadingThere was an explosion in …
There was an explosion in my jigsaw factory. I am now left to pick up the pieces.
Continue ReadingIf Rebecca Black had rele …
If Rebecca Black had released her song today, on a Friday, we would have just laughed it off and say it was an April fool.
Continue ReadingNot only would the toilet …
Not only would the toilet not flush, but i am now banned from Ikea.
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