There is no “i” in “illit …
There is no “i” in “illiterate”.
Continue ReadingI took my car to the gara …
I took my car to the garage today. “It looks like your belt is knackered mate” “Really?” I said “how do you know?” “Your trousers are on the floor.”
Continue ReadingA black girl at work aske …
A black girl at work asked me “Have you ever been with a sister before?” I told her “No… just a few cousins.”
Continue ReadingI don’t like haunted hous …
I don’t like haunted houses I’m afraid.
Continue ReadingAutomatic transmission: B …
Automatic transmission: Because it’s simply too complex for an American to comprehend gear changes.
Continue ReadingAfter the January transfe …
After the January transfer window, I think it’s quite clear there’s a barren dent in the Sunderland frontline
Continue ReadingI was taking the dog for …
I was taking the dog for a walk in the forest when I came across a woman rubbing her hands up and down the trees. I said “Are you feeling Oaky?”
Continue ReadingThe author of the Windows …
The author of the Windows file copy dialogue visits some friends: I’m just outside town, so I should be there in fifteen minutes. Actually it’s looking more like 6 days. No, wait, thirty seconds.
Continue ReadingWhat do you get if you cr …
What do you get if you cross a Rottweiler with a Hyena? I don’t know but i’ll join in if it laughs!
Continue ReadingMy friends don’t understa …
My friends don’t understand why I’ve given up boozing. I’ve told them it’s because I want to feel more motivated. I mean, Hitler was teetotal and look at what he achieved.
Continue ReadingWhen doing cocaine at a p …
When doing cocaine at a party, never ask anyone holding a guitar if they could give you a note.
Continue ReadingI took my wife into Forei …
I took my wife into Foreign Exchange the other day and said ‘Can I swap for a Swedish wife please?’
Continue ReadingA woman was waiting for …
A woman was waiting for her meal in a Chinese restaurant and an elderly waiter began setting down chopsticks in front of her. The woman made a great show of pulling her own chopsticks out of her bag.’ As an environmentalist I do not approve of destroying bamboo forests to provide disposable utensils.’ she said. […]
Continue ReadingI’m going to get the numb …
I’m going to get the numbers 1-100 tattooed across my body. That way, you can always count on me.
Continue ReadingOne day three old ladies …
One day three old ladies were sitting on a park bench and this guy jumped out of the bushes and flashed them. The first lady had a stroke, the second one had a stroke, but the third one’s arm were too short to reach.
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