Category: work

So far in my new job, I’ve saved two babies from certain death. The head of the abortion clinic has given me my final warning.

Express and Star: “The national jobless total jumped by 27,000 in three months However, in Kidderminster there were a slight fall of 3.8 percent…” Judging by that grammar its going to be 27,001 soon…

Everyone in my office was really hot this afternoon. I probably shouldn’t have had that fifth beer at lunchtime.

What job did they give to the Thalidomide girl? Shorthand typing!

I called my boss this morning and said, “Sorry, but I’m going to be a bit late.” “How late?” “24 hours.”

My first night working as a bouncer didn’t last long… As soon as I got there they showed me the door.

I’m depressed and I hate my job. Every day I ask myself “is it really worth it?” Mind you, I am an antiques dealer.

Girls didn’t seem that impressed when I told them I work at a fishery, guiding anglers towards the best places to fish. So now I just tell them I’m a casting director.

Heskey is like the tech guy at a work night out… Never going to score, but still goes just to show face.

I gathered a crowd round me and said to one of them, “Ok, pick a card, any card.” That was my first and last day working for Clintons.

I haven’t been in work in four days. I’ve almost forgotten how to play solitaire and minesweeper.

My missus asked me why I am always wasting my time watching the TV. She thinks I should go and find a job so we can get the electric turned back on.

A Union boss is telling his son a bedtime story “Once upon a time and a half….”

I opened a small accountancy practice which I named ‘Counts’. Business was pretty poor until I realised that the ‘o’ had fallen off the sign outside the office.

I was out playing golf yesterday when my boss rang to ask why I wasn’t at work. I said “I’m on a course.” He replied “Oh, that’s okay then.”