Category: work

I’ve just turned 17, and I’m already working for a multi-billion dollar company! I’m lovin’ it…

Due to financial problems in my company, I’ve had to introduce some cost-cutting steps. They’re just outside the front doors and I’ve pushed 6 employees down them already.

Two MPs are in the lunch queue and discussing what meal they are going to have: “I’m going all out today,” says the first one, “a 5 course lunch with a couple of bottles of wine – it costs 250 but it’s OK because I can claim it on expenses and the taxpayers will get […]

Working at the abattoir is no good for my health. Everyday I feel offal.

I don’t understand why Asda fired me from the alcohol section of the store.

A Native American friend works on the trading floor and gives me great insider information. He’s always got his ear to the ground.

A man goes up to his bosses office and says, “Sir, you got to give me a raise, three other companies are after me.” “Well is that a fact?” his boss asked, “Well which companies would they be?” The man replies, “The electric, phone and gas companies”

I’ve always been a very creative person. Which is why I didn’t last very long as an accountant.

I got a leaflet through my door today, it read ‘Post people wanted’. Why don’t they employ these people who post these leaflets instead?

I lost my job last week but I’m not too upset as I went out the way I came in. Fired with enthusiasm.

I lied on my CV to get a job. I claimed I had loads of previous experience in the field and they didn’t bother checking. Within an hour of starting my new job, I was exposed, humiliated and jeered at. It seems that fat middle-aged blokes don’t go down that well in strip clubs…

“Wake up! Wake up!” My boss said as he found me asleep at my work desk. “Sir, I was having the craziest dream that I was getting fired for sleeping on the job!” He smiled as he handed me a hefty bonus cheque. “Nonsense, you’re the best pillow tester we’ve ever had!”

I went for a job as a handyman. “Can you lay bricks?” “No” “Can you plaster?” “No” “Can you do any carpentry?” “No” “Then why are you handy?” “I only live round the corner”

FUN FACT: Of all the professions, Chimney Sweeps have the worst carbon footprint

My boss told me I was sacked because I was too immature. I was furious. Luckily though, before I left I spat in his coffee.