Category: work

My Dad thinks he’s going to get a watch for 25 years reliable service. He hasn’t missed one single signing on day yet.

I got wheel clamped parked outside the bank today. My boss went mental. He says I’m the worst getaway driver he’s ever had.

How do you confuse a black man? Give him a P45.

I put the cat amongst the pigeons at work today. Got me the sack from the bird sanctuary.

I quit my job at Nike today. My boss asked me to redesign the ball to make it more edgy.

I lost my job at the teddy bear factory today. They said I lied about my previous experience on my CV. “I did not lie,” I raged, “You just misunderstood. I really did spend 6 months working as a Fluffer.”

I’ve been working on a big case at work for the last couple of weeks. I’m sick, wish they would give me a desk.

These days I get the same answer from potential employers that I do from dodgy ones. “There’s a Czech in the post.”

I used to work at the Jenga factory. It wasn’t a steady job.

I quit my job working for Nike. Just couldn’t do it anymore.

I’ve got my work cut out for me tomorrow. It’s in the fridge. I’m a butcher.

I couldn’t believe it when one of my employees told me that I didn’t take workplace bullying seriously. But I gave him an official Crybaby Form to fill in anyway.

At 5 o’clock, my boss finished work and noticed I was standing beside the entrance to the building. He said, “I’ve been looking for you all day, why are you standing there?” I replied, “Because, earlier I came into your office, then you told me to wait outside.”

I’m constantly having to separate fact from fiction. I hate being a Librarian.

We have a tradition at our factory where any new apprentice is stripped naked and held down whilst their body is smothered in used engine oil. It’s probably outdated in this day and age, but it’s just a bit of harmless fun really, and the majority of apprentices take it in good faith. Except Sarah.