Category: wordplay

Tinnitus sufferers – stop whining.

Did you hear about the man who listened to the match? He burnt his ear.

Being a cobbler in Hollywood, I sometimes have to tailor-make shoes for celebrities. These boots were made for Walken.

There’s nothing unique about today’s date… My German wife has been screaming it for years.

I saw my dad down on his allotment yesterday. He was telling me hed had an overwhelming urge to pick this pungent herb, he was growing. Then he said he did it again, then again. He said, it went on and on, just couldnt stop. I thought, hes got far too much thyme on his […]

After his defeat to Nadal in the Quarter Finals, Mardy Fish’s coach has released a statement “Fish was gutted not to be in the semi’s”

My wife has left me unexpectedly and taken all my maps and my TomTom. I just don’t know which way to turn.

So there I am, standing in the kitchen with the biggest erection you’ve ever seen when the head chef starts shouting, “I said get me a lardon.”

I had my mug shot today. Now how am i supposed to drink my tea?

Never lie to an x-ray technician… They can see right through you.

My son was doing his physics homework when he asked me what gross weight means. “Any bird over 10 stone” I said.

Mr and Mrs Lemma are in two minds whether to name their daughter Di.

When cooking a quick snack, you just can’t beat a egg.

I’ve crossed a spirit level with a funeral. Sad but true.

I’ve just bought a copy of my own autobiography. That says a lot about me as a person.