Category: wordplay

I’m a mime artist. I only paint French clowns.

I went for an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds. 14 showed up, It was overcast.

I’ve applied for a job as a spell checker at the local school. Unfortunately some sorcerer got it.

Secret admirer – Stalker with stationery.

Scottish terrorists aren’t too bright. “Here Hamish, it says in the paper that Nick Clegg’s comin’ tae Glasgow. Wouldn’t it be great if we blew him up?”

I tell people that my job in the jam factory is quite glamourous but to be honest it’s really jarring.

My Grandad talks in riddles and said to me the other day, “It is fruitless to attempt to indoctrinate a superannuated canine with innovative manoeuvres.” I didn’t understand him, but thought, oh well, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks.

My mum knows I have been stealing Christmas trees to buy drugs. She found the needles all over my bedroom floor.

My girlfriend’s engagement ring cost me four figures… R2-D2, Han Solo, Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker.

My girlfriend was putting me down saying that no woman would ever look at me and get wet. So I booked my band a gig at Glastonbury

I was in a fight in town last night and got thrown through Marks and Spencer’s front window. I’ve never been in so much pane.

I can’t help thinking that the guy who first coined the word “missile” must’ve been a pessimist.

According to surveys, pessimists now outnumber optimists in Britain… …but I would imagine most of you were expecting that.

Last night my wife argued till she was blue in the face. Is making your point worth being suffocated for?

My wife doesn’t believe me when I tell her I’m not cheating on her and that I love her. Apparently doing it via skype from her sister’s bedroom is ‘pushing it.’