Category: wordplay

I’m really not getting through to my girlfriend and I think it’s a matter of time until we split. What part of, “Explicate the exponential growth of the neo-platonic paradigm from the perspective of a Nietzschean ubermensch” doesn’t she understand?

I’m a delivery man at B&Q, and this woman wanted me to sketch a plan of her new kitchen furniture. So I drew a table.

I love watching videos of lakes and rivers on the internet. I’m viewing a live stream right now.

There was a misprint in the newspaper, and now my dad thinks I’m a serial racist. He said he’s never been prouder.

Gary Liniker said on Match of the Day – “Well, clean sheets help you score.” Very true, I often find when the woman gets back and sees the big yellow stain she is a bit put off.

The name ‘Inmates’ was given to prisoners after they witnessed what went on in the showers there.

Me and my wife were about to go on the karaoke in our local when she pulled out at the last minute. I was furious i had to duet myself.

Somebody gave me a box full of Jamaican hair extensions. It was dreadful.

I was trying to cross a stream earlier, but the bloke told me to get back to my own urinal.

Fried eggs aren’t all they’re cracked up to be.

I beat my grandfather in a sprint. It was a race against the clock.

My new novel, ‘Arm down the U-bend’, is riding high in this week’s book charts. May reach number two.

I made an amazing vegetarian dish today. I used the top of the skull and gave it a purple glaze.

My dad said he hated my job as a ventriloquist and that he never wanted to see me do an impression again. I replied, “Talk to the hand.”

These 2 men were irritating me today, telling me to remove my trousers. So I took them down.