Category: wordplay

On my last week as an environmental health officer I shut down seventeen restaurants. I needed some closure.

A man walked up to me and said ‘I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam, I’m a teepee, I’m a wigwam’ I said ‘relax, you’re two tents’.

I was dancing next to a bird who had bad BO in a club when I whispered in her ear, “Hygiene.” She said, “My name’s not Gene; it’s Sue” I said, “Oh, hi, Sue… You need a bath.”

Did you hear about the clown with Diarrhoea? He kept making funny faeces….

Magners Cider makes me feel really good “There’s Methadone in the Magners”

I went to shop to get a few things but when I got to the till I realised I didn’t have any money. ‘Do you take cards?’ I asked. She nodded her head and grabbed the card reader. ‘No need for that,’ I said putting a card on the counter. ‘Merry Christmas.’

When my mate was diagnosed with terminal cancer, he took three ecstacy pills, one embossed with a ‘7’, one with an ‘8’ and one with a ‘9’. His daze was numbered.

Bungee jumping. People always fall for it.

I live on the 5Th floor of a tower block. I wanted to move to the 6Th floor, but that’s a different story.

I got really excited when I found out that Tesco’s were ‘Slashing Prices.’ Until I found out that it had nothing to do with Katie or Harvey.

What do you call an alligator that likes to tell people what to do? A delagator.

I recently opened a website called Battleships.com. It had a few hits but then it sank.

And ruins it when you read it properly? Anyone else hate it when you accidentally read the punchline of a joke

I just saw an advert for “singlemuslim.com” I’ve heard it’s gone down a bomb in the arab community

Roses are read. Violets are blew. English isn’t my first language.