Category: wordplay

I had a sign created for my new repair shop, ‘Fancy Parts’. Unfortunately, there was a miscommunication and the sign I got back read ‘Farty Pants’. To make matters worse, my son was crushed to death in the riots. Still, at least they took the sign.

My dad just went out and bought me a musical instrument, he said “here’s a harp son” Just examined it for an hour before finding out it isn’t a harp at all, it just looks like one. I can’t believe he told me it was a harp, what a lyre

That settles it, I’m never going back to Yorkshire again. I went into the local supermarket and asked where I could find towels, and they gave me directions to the bird sanctuary!

I was doing my wife when I thought “I’m not very good at impressions.”

I turned myself in to the police today. I went out with a taser and chased some black people

I have a great relationship with my girlfriend, I put this down to good chemistry. It was my strongest subject at university.

It would be cool to change the infrastructure on my street and layer it with chocolate and marshmallows. Although I don’t know who else would appreciate the rocky road

My little six year old can read minds. Unfortunately she’s pretty useless at any other words.

I got the wife some thick bleach to clean the bathroom but it didn’t seem to do the job. They were out of clever ones.

I went to see my Grandma as a kid, and I always tell her: “Grandma, stop dressing up as a child.”

My friend has a job selling drugs in an area where the police never go through. I asked him if he could describe his occupation in one word, what would it be? He replied: “Ideal.”

I woke up this morning with pins and needles in both my hands. Threw them at the wife.

If you’re ever discussing facts about your Manx cat with anyone, remember, it’s all about the detail.

Just offended some dog poo. Put my foot right in it.

I had a woman scream at me earlier for streaking when I was cleaning her windows. She wanted them cleaned properly.