Category: wordplay

Every day this week I have had to sack people at work because of the recession. We used to be able to afford proper body bags at the mortuary.

A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing. Luckily, there’s a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door. “Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asks the woman who answered the door. She thinks for a minute. “No sir, but we do have a McArdle at […]

I was surprised to find there were only 39 playing cards in the pack I recently purchased from a market in Brixton. Presumably, the spades have stolen the diamonds.

The wife’s just warned me the only way I can save our crumbling mess of a marriage is to ease up on my obsession with the vintage slapstick of Stan Laurel. Note to self: Must try Hardy.

Electric dough. It’s not what I want, it’s watt I knead.

I have recently started getting into shape. They are some tasty yogurts.

BBC News: ‘Man kidnaps his own clone.’ Neighbours say he kept himself to himself.

I see that BBC have a new show called Muslim Driving School, let’s hope for our sake it’s a lot more successful than their original pilot episode, Muslim Flight School.

After a Bukkake I like to thank everyone for coming.

People have said that I can’t write good songs. But I have a proven track record.

Cats. Bin there, done that.

I launched my charity bedding appeal for Africa today. Duvet Know it’s Christmas?

‘It’s so small….’ she says. ‘I’ve seen similar things that will do the same job, but bigger’ my wife moans. ‘I can get the whole thing in my mouth without even trying’. I wish yacult would just make a bigger bottle so she’d shut up

So Armageddon comes tomorrow, personally I can’t wait. It was only 2.99 from play.com

Today I was cooking bangers on the barbie. Needless to say my daughter wasn’t too happy about it, that’s the third one this week.