Category: wordplay

Did you hear about the tennis match between the two artists? They drew.

I’ve invented a new beer which I’m gonna call “Knowledge”. It can’t fail, cos everyones got a thirst for Knowledge……..

My girlfriend ran into the front room today screaming and crying that she had found out she was pregnant and needed my help to have an abortion quick. I said “Whoa, whoa, whoa… get a hanger yourself.”

My genetically engineered son is the spit of me.

A fund raiser knocked on my door asking for money for sufferers of the Ugandan nodding disease. As a victim myself, I couldn’t say no.

Blackbuster – Bringing other people’s entertainment home.

I made a mistake at work today. I was supposed to be performing brain surgery, but instead I performed a blood transfusion. So all my efforts were in vein.

Your mum is so dirty Cilit wouldn’t bang her.

My underground spying organisation was a big failure. We had a mole all along.

Exercise programme: Take one Weetabix. Take an Aero chocolate bar. Crumble the Aero over the Weetabix. Voila. Aerobix.

My friend just gave me a dead leg. I’m going to bury it in the garden and ask no further questions.

I don’t do things by halves. Which is probably why I lost my job as a barman.

After giving birth by cesarean section, my wife woke and asked, “Where’s our son? How is he?” “I’m sorry darling. We lost him.” “No..What happened to him?” She sobbed “He was ginger, so I mixed all the baby cots up.”

My new greyhound has come last in his first six races. He’s got an exciting Korea ahead of him.

My Mums sister hates her own name. She’s anti-Barbara.