Category: wordplay

I have seconds to live. Otherwise my anorexia will worsen.

I said to my mate, ‘I’ll bet you 20 that you can’t name one topic that I don’t know a joke about’ He said, ‘Beavers’ Dam

My wife asked if she could get the landscape gardeners in. I said,” No way.” She said,” Why?” I said,” Because you’ve already got the milkman, the postman and me in, so there’s no spare holes.”

I’m dating a French mathematician who has an obsession for square numbers. She’s really starting to get on my neufs.

i’ve just finished reading a book about a well-loved but ill dog, it was really hard to put it down

It was announced today that scientists from Dorset have been planning and building their own version of the particle collider at Cern. Due to start the experiments in November, they already have the string and are just waiting for the conkers to come into season.

A gangster friend decided to tell me the best way to rob a bank. I took some notes.

I just played a gig to the ladies topless wrestling society. They were a pretty, tough audience.

Pick an exclusive Dracula costume next time and make it Count.

I’m struggling to finish my wordsearch puzzle on Victorian villains. I can’t see Hyde nor Hare.

Thin dustbin bags are rubbish. Eventually.

I heard Queen Victoria only counted from two upwards. One was not amused.

My face fell when I realised the skin grafts hadn’t taken.

I bought some portable stairs. Now all I need is a staircase.

I was walking past the Olympic Park today at Stratford and a bloke came up to me and said “Where are the Para’s mate?”. “I think you will find they wont be starting untill the 29th August” I replied. “Really, I thought they were doing the security now” He smirked.