Category: wordplay

Sky News: Boy aged four found dead in a tumble dryer. Well it has been a nice day, perhaps he got the wrong end of the stick when his mum told him to go for a quick cycle?

As a 21st century philosopher I’m distressed to see soldiers get all the support whilst my creed are left in the shade. I thought for my country dammit!

My mate said he would love to have Mark Wahlberg’s arms so for his birthday I gave him Mark’s adress and an axe.

I sold a car to the Six Million Dollar Man once. Must have been a bargain. He almost ripped my arm off.

It’s my job to bring home the bacon in our house. I work in a butchers

My son said that he feels left out at work. I told him that it was his fault for being a doorman.

I flatten pastry using a heavy cylindrical object That’s how I roll

I need to master the art of patience……..quickly

There are 2 types of people in the world: those who finish what they started,

I’ve just opened an off licence. Technically, it’s breaking and entering but I needed a drink.

My girlfriend claims that I haven’t taken a wash in 6 days. I’ll shower.

I saw a psychic yesterday and managed to cross over to the other side. There is no way that conman was getting the chance to take me in.

My wife left me for being childish so I’ve decided to turn my life around. efil ym.

A pretty woman at the job centre said she’d like to offer me a tug job. So I dropped my pants there and then which subsequently got me arrested. Apparently tugs are also types of boats.

Why is on the same as off? I don’t get either with my wife any more.