Category: wordplay

My 31st girlfriend was American and it was a bit awkward, especially in the bedroom. But then, all my other girlfriends have been about 9st – 11st.

I left my job as manager of the local one legged football team, I could never get the right balance to the side.

During our lunch break my boss came up to me and asked me if I could attend a meeting after the buffet. I told him I had too much on my plate.

Had trouble getting into the front door of my local high street pharmacy the other day. I think I’m getting too big for my Boots.

The guy who owns SpecSavers must be a very busy person, He’s got loads of Contacts…

As I was driving home yesterday, my SatNav read an alert which said: “ROAD WORKS AHEAD” How thoughtful… It’s odd how it’s never told me about a : “ROAD BROKEN AHEAD”.

Student:`Love a beer over here barman.’ Barman: `I.d. first’ Student:`I’d love a beer over here barman.’

I was bored last night, so I tied some helium balloons to my whiskey collection. It certainly raised my spirits.

My wife was going to leave due to my obsession with inserting comedians surnames into sentences We’ve built some Bridges since then.

The worst part about my job in a charity shop is sorting the old woman’s knickers into clean and unclean. My works not to be sniffed at.

My mate is a DJ on a building site. He’s a concrete mixer

What do women and loans from the bank have in common? I receive no interest from both

I got arrested this morning at my veterinary surgery for wearing a black lab coat.

A new prosthetics company has started up in my area that will only take payment in nuts. It will cost you an almond a leg.

My mate dared me to kidnap all the X-Factor contestants. I said I wouldn’t take The Risk.