Category: wordplay

I’m starring in a new theatrical drama called ‘Sword’. It’s a play on words.

I robbed a greengrocers earlier. But my efforts were fruitless.

At school I wanted to be in the cross country team, so asked the coach if I could join. “Have you got any stamina?” he asked. I said “Not really to be honest.” “Forget it then” he replied, “Without stamina, you’ve no chance in the long run.”

My mates a Ski instructor…. He teaches people to eat yoghurts safely.

Do I have insomnia or amnesia? I Was up all night thinking about it, but I’ve forgotten which is which.

I’ve always wanted to work in a colliery, but can’t see it happening now. Never mined.

When I got arrested for flashing in public I was so furious I took it out on my kids.

My mate was preparing something in the kitchen ‘What are you doing?’ I asked him ‘I’m making my fish pie’, he said What an idiot, I thought. Fish don’t even eat pie

In today’s newspaper i read a food critic’s review of an Italian restaurant in Glasgow. Don’t think that he thought much of it though. The headline read “It’s the place to go pasta”.

If I had a Penny for everytime I forgot my wifes name. There wouldn’t be a problem in the first place.

This man told me that he had finally finished a 10 year sentence. To which I replied “Learn some punctuation, man”

Last night I dropped a bottle of wine and three beers. I can’t handle my drink.

I’m a bit like Marmite really… …the unwanted by-product of alcohol.

I lost fifty quid on a fruit machine today. Stupid really because it was never going to win the race.

I want to say that Van Nistelrooy is the greatest striker of my generation. But that would be Ruud.