Category: wordplay

I always go for girls in their prime. 2, 3, 5, 7, 11 and 13

I’m dating a girl who’s done time. Tomorrow she’s doing the alphabet and, the day after, farmyard animals.

I have said it once, and i will say it again, It.

When I was a boy, my friends said quoting songs would get me nowhere. Well Take A Look At Me Now.

Whilst looking at junk food and ready meals in the supermarket today, my wife was asking me if I had any ideas on a good new years resolution for her. I said “give up breathing” Then I thought, I’d be a lovely husband and help her out with it. Tesco bags. Every little helps.

It’s always hard being easily aroused.

A mate of mine has been telling absolutely everyone that he has been doing stretching exercises for so long that he can now bend double. I guess he really likes blowing his own trumpet.

At the moment my fellow actors and I keep falling through the theatre floor. I guess its just a stage we all go through.

Apparently there’s a necrophiliac who has escaped from jail. People are in grave danger.

Sean Combs died last night. Did he? Yeah, that’s the one.

I bought a Pole at the slave trading expo yesterday. Paid with a Czech.

I got to drive the Top Gear test track today, it’s actually quite scary. When I got to Followthrough Corner, I shat myself.

Just been thrown out of a Watch Repairs shop for staring at them while they worked.

I have just opened up a Facebook account, which I have called ‘No One’. Now, whenever I send someone a friend request, they read ‘No One wants to be your friend’ on their screen. And people wonder why the human race has such simple pleasures.

To help fight against climate change, Amazon have agreed to undergo cut downs in certain areas on site. Won’t that add to the problem?