Category: wordplay

My mate was hallucinating when he fell off a balcony. I think he tripped.

BBC News: “Typhoon jets grounded” Maybe that’ll teach them to stop getting into fights.

Just to remind all young kids, If you cant take the heat stay out of the tumble dryer.

I love it when kids take a phrase people were using 20 years ago, change a few letters and suddenly it’s cool again. …NAAT!

I’ve just invented a machine that can immediately tell you what condition a painting is in. It’s state-of-the-art technology.

I was masturbating last night. But now I have become an adult, my letters come addressed to Mr.Bating.

You’ve really got to hand it to deaf people

I call my ex wife Eleanor Rigby. Because I keep her face in a jar by the door.

I can’t stand all the Latin abbreviations they use at Summer college. I only really enrolled to get away from et al.

Last night a gang of chavs attacked me with torches. I punched their lights out.

My wife thinks the trick I do when I change a bowl into a small plate, isn’t magic, it’s sorcery.

BBC news: 12 year old boy dies after goal posts fall on him. His friends said they would miss him. They didn’t.

We were preparing for a party the other day and my wife asked me to put together a mixture of different alcohols and fruit juices. However, I wish she’d actually said that, instead of ‘I’d like a good punch’.

My wife has just had her name changed to Mona. Quite ironic, really.

My wife was trying to get me to admit I take drugs: “A ten pound note says you’re a user” She said “And you say I take hallucinogenic substances…” I replied