Category: wordplay

My fat friend has just told me that he’s starring in the next series of The Biggest Loser… I guess I’ll be seeing less of him.

There’s nothing I like to do more than give a man a good blow. I’m a big fan.

National Geographic +1… Where lightning does strike twice

I flew into Sydney for the comedy festival and I was held up at the airport. They asked me the purpose of my visit and I said, “I’m here to shoot a pilot.”

I used to love my job artificially inseminating animals at the zoo. But now I couldn’t give a monkey’s toss.

Once you go black, you probably should have changed the battery on your smoke alarm.

I work for a charity that tries to prevent animals being turned into glue. Please, donate to the RSPVA.

I had a very confusing time when I tried to buy a Wii in France.

My son came home from school today and said ‘In school today, I couldn’t find a rubber so I used my finger, And it worked!’ I replied ‘If I used my finger, when I couldn’t find a rubber, Then you wouldn’t be born.’

Im always making bad taste jokes. Just this morning I made one about marmite.

I used to know a chef that was always over dramatic when preparing food. He made a meal of it.

“Mate, have you got a cigarette going spare?” “No, they’re all rather placid”

I started a new job this morning and was worried that i was not going to fit in. At lunchtime one of the guys came up to me, and noticing how nervous i was, offered to take me under his wing. That’s very nice of him, but personally i get a bit freaked out by […]

I’m going to quit being lazy, next week.

“How have the kids been?” my wife asked. “They’ve been great!” I replied. “We’ve had a banging day.” I love admitting my crimes in a subtle way.