Category: wordplay

I was in HMV looking for the country section. I couldn’t find it, so I went up to the man and asked him, “Where’s the country section?” He said, “Try the other side mate.” So I went to his other ear and said, “Where’s the country section?”

What do you call a Chav on fire? Sauteed.

Fibonacci numbers. It’s as easy as 1, 1, 2, 3.

My wife woke me up at 6am this morning just to tell me she was on her way to brush some leaves off the drive. I hate it when she makes sweeping statements like that.

I’ve just seen a suicide bomber He was quite good but I wasn’t blown away

That Usain Bolt is a dashing chap.

A lot of people seem to think I used to be a sailor. They keep shouting ‘anchor’ at me from across the street.

Two fat people in a marriage will never work out.

I was shopping online and saw a horse that I rather liked. So I clicked “Add to cart.”

Today, I told my wife “I’m sorry, but I want a divorce.” She said “You’re joking, right?” I replied “I am. I’m not actually sorry about it.”

My friend keeps says he is going to go on Britain’s got talent and fart musical tunes. I hope he follows through with it.

A Greek island may be a great place for a holiday but I wouldn’t bank on it.

BBC News reports- European Central Bank to buy Italian and Spanish bonds. Fine by me, Just as long as It’s clear that our James is not for sale.

You should never contradict your girlfriend when she’s on her period. Just go with the flow.

My wife told me that she is sick to death of me waltzing in at 3am every weekend. So when I came home this morning I did the tango instead.