Category: wordplay

I went into a private detectives office today with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper,i said, “I want you to trace someone for me”

My brother lost a stone last week… I’ve never seen anyone so upset about losing a pet rock.

What do you call it when your parachute doesn’t open? Jumping to a conclusion.

You cant turn a ho into a housewife. Unless you’re playing scrabble.

I quit my job as a cabbie in Glasgow. None of the Rangers fans pay taxis.

“Thanks for coming”, said the receptionist at the Sperm Bank.

My friends wife has finally left him due to our mutual obsession with Cliff Richard. Congratulations.

I was telling everybody how I really loved my latest job, helping to write a new thesaurus, but now they’ve sacked me. That’s urinated on my pyrotechical display.

My new boss asked if I wanted to go get some Chinese for lunch. I replied, “Absolutely…. wait, you mean food, right?” He awkwardly said, ‘yes’. I can’t imagine what people who don’t get my type of humor must think about me.

Amidst a bitter divorce, me and the ex can’t even decide who gets the Ambrosia. It’s a custardy battle.

As a Tourettes sufferer, I lead a cursed life.

The Self Service Checkout. Never have the words “This will be much quicker” been so short-lived.

My mum said I used to cry wolf a lot as a child, but what did she expect? It was her who took me to Gladiators and she knew he was my favourite.

My dad hit the dog with his slippers, I dont know whats worse, Him hitting the dog, Or the dog having slippers.

What do you get if you cross a bridge with a car? To the other side.