Category: wordplay

My wife left me the other day because of my obsession with playing cards. I told her I’m dealing with it.

Change the way you feel…………….use the backs of your fingers

Former England goalkeeper Peter Shilton has been capped 125 times. I suspect his dentist was able to retire early.

I knew a guy who despaired and committed suicide by putting his head in a hydraulic press. People tried to reason with him but in the end he was just too narrow minded.

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery. I’ve had it right up to here with them.

I decided to organise a gang bang for some men with erectile dysfunction. Only two came.

I was mentally undressing this girl the other day when I thought to myself. This would be a lot easier without the straightjacket

My teammate went down after a very meaty challenge, he took a real stuffing and now is immobilised in hospital, a vegetable you might say. I still think he made a meal of it.

Everyone says I have my mother’s eyes… But until they find them it’s just another rumour.

I’m a reformed time-piece thief and putting clocks back was my counsellor’s idea.

“I have a split personality” said Tom being frank.

I wound up my eldest son last night by telling him I’m going to leave my entire estate to charity. I like to let let my heir down now and again.

My fear of insomnia keeps me awake at night.

It’s not easy being a hard man.

I found graphs so hard to understand, I could have killed my teacher. If only I knew how to use the axes.