Category: wordplay

My gran just accused me of stealing her copies of The Mirror Crack’d and The Body in the Library. I think she’s lost her marples.

I took a girl back to mine the other night. We went to bed and I started to undress. She looked puzzled and said, “I thought you said you had at least a foot!” I went, “No! I said I had athletes foot.”

I saw a little black girl in distress yesterday. So I made her take it off.

My mate bet me a tenner he could keep me trapped inside my house all day. He’s made it harder by locking all the doors, but I still think I’ll window.

My wife said “I’m leaving you for another woman” I said “But i’m a man”

Having too many vowels is a consonant struggle in a game of Scrabble.

Hands down, that was my worst ever puppet show performance.

I’ve just seen a picture of Alan Carr with his face in a chocolate cake. It would appear the poof is in the pudding.

I love the way garages leave black buckets outside for your dead flowers.

Science: when a fat woman lies down on a bed, the mattress is depressed.

My wife went mental this morning when she discovered I’d used ‘Just For Men’ on our pet duck. But it’s all dyed down now.

What do you call a cautious Russian wasp? a K.G.B

BBC news: ‘shocking’ decline seen in oceans. Well the sequels are never as good are they.

The doctor was concerned about the problems I was having with my foot long after it was cut really badly. “I’m sorry to have to tell you this, Mr Thompson”, he said with a heavy sigh.. “But if you spill any more mayo on my carpet, I’m going to ban you from my surgery.”

I’m buying an Earthquake simulator from a mate. No contract has been signed but we’ve shaken on it.