Category: transport

I just got off the plane in China and a guy asked if he could look through my suitcase. I was warned that they have some strange customs in Asia.

Avoid being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

I like to pull my seat as far forward as possible when I get in my car. That way I arrive just a little quicker.

I rang my insurance company this morning. I said, “What do I do if my cars been in a accident?” The girl said, “When did the accident happen?” I said, “It hasn’t yet. My wife’s driving the car this afternoon.”

My wife said I shouldn’t be allowed a driving license. I almost spilt my beer.

Never suffer delays for your flight again by simply turning up at the airport 5 hours later than the scheduled time.

I don’t know why people are so afraid of flying. You can die just by walking down the street and getting hit by a crashing plane.

I was standing on the train track, thinking why I was there. Then it hit me.

‘Warrington’ is actually an anagram of ‘Wrong train’. Which is quite fitting, seeing as that’s probably the only reason most people ever go there.

I have just got out of prison for 5 years and my first thought was to get back my car I left with the VW garage to be repaired a few days before I got arrested. I went and explained my situation. “It will be ready Thursday” I got told.

My uncle came round to show off his new time machine. It had a swastika on the front, bullet holes in the back and a spear sticking out of the top. I thought; christ, that’s been through the wars.

Women can tell a lot of things about a man by what he drives. They can obviously tell that I’m a milkman then.

Drivers, If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

I bought a new motor off a bloke yesterday, 500 quid, no questions asked. Maybe I should’ve asked why it looked like a washing machine motor.

I love the idea of artificial chicanes on roads Trying to Improve safety by forcing you into oncoming traffic