Category: transport

My new girlfriend told me that she loves surprises. So I cut her brakes.

When I see a learner driver coming towards me, I like to swerve all over the road like I’m drunk, just to keep them on their toes. I mean, if they can’t react well to that, they’re not ready to drive in my opinion. Don’t you agree officer?

As I was driving along the motorway I saw an overhead sign that said: “Slow down … animals in the carriageway.” I hope they’ll play “House of the Rising Sun”

How many bus drivers does it take to change a light bulb? You’ve got to be joking – they won’t even change a five pound note.

If I hit you at 30mph, theres an 80% chance you will live. If I ride at 140mph, theres a 100% chance I will be 4 miles down the road. Before you contemplate crossing Think – Speed Saves Lives

I have only one reason that i never use easy jet. Just imagine that you’re going on holiday and the plane crashes into a mountain and you’re stuck up there with no food. I mean would you really want to eat the kind of person that uses easy jet.

I was just watching ‘Dangerous Jobs for girls’ on TV. How taxi driver didn’t get the number 1 spot i’ll never know

Southwest Airlines canceled 600 flights because of a plane that suddenly got a 5-foot hole in the roof. If that was Ryanair They’d have just started charging a 100 sunroof fee.

Pulled off an awesome manoeuvre in my car yesterday. I found a quiet road, got up some speed and slammed into a handbrake turn while still travelling fast enough to set off the speed camera. As it took the photo i even managed to flick the V’s out of the window. So pleased with myself. […]

I am always one to help out others, so when I saw this woman struggling to get into her car I did the gentlemanly thing and took away her keys.

I recently went for a job interview to be a train driver. But the interviewer didn’t turn up on time so i didn’t get the job

If you don’t want anyone to sit next to you on the train, don’t pretend to be asleep with all your gear spread about, they’ll only wake you. Instead when people get on the train smile at them and pat the seat next to you. Works for me.

“Please just remember that you can’t bring anything sharp onto the aeroplane.” “Oh, I guess I’ll leave my wit at home then.”

You know your life’s going downhill when your brakes have been cut.

There was an Asian guy working on airport security when I checked in earlier today. So I strip searched him and put him through the metal detector before sending him on his way.