Category: time

I invented a time machine but it only takes you back in time. The guy in the patents office couldn’t see any future in it.

I was driving to a football game with my wife when we saw a fan laying by the side of the road in a pool of blood. As we got out of the car to help him my wife said, “Poor guy, I don’t think he’s going to make it.” “Yeah, it’s tragic,” I replied, […]

I just found out my grandad shot about 15 Germans during the war Which is a bit weird because he was a butcher.

I think the wife’s finally flipped. She must be the worlds slowest pancake maker.

I spent five minutes fixing a broken clock yesterday. At least, I think it was five minutes.

My Great-Great-Great-Grandmother called me a liar. That’s the last time I’ll travel back in time to see her.

I was walking through the park when a woman asked for the time. So I looked at the the sun and said, “It’s 8.45pm, miss.” She was so amazed she asked me out for a drink, I’ll not tell her the sun was setting beside a clock tower.

Americans are lazy – sleeping in every morning. Trust me, I phone random US numbers when I wake up and they are always sleeping. And so rude as well.

The new watch I bought has no hands. To be fair, it is made by Guess.

So people in the East Coast of America die sooner than the poeple in the West Coast. …Normally by about 3 hours.

11:59:59 am is my favourite time of day. It’s second to noon.

The inventor of the time machine has tragically died in a car crash, next week.

Getting older is like a game of chess It’s long, boring and I honestly don’t really know what I’m doing

Here’s an idea. Instead of turning the clocks back by an hour, let’s just turn it back by 30 minutes instead. And just leave it. Like, forever.

I think when asked the question “What super power would you have if you could have any?” nearly everyone picks the ability to freeze time and I think we all know FULL WELL why.