Category: stupid

My Grandad always used to say, ‘When you’re in a hole, stop digging.’ That’s probably why he got shot trying to escape from Auschwitz.

As I quickly pulled up my trousers and left, I shouted to the bathroom salesman … ‘If you can’t be bothered to supply toilet paper, I’m not flushing’.

My wife was a bit worried about me taking my 4 year old son Jack to the pub today. After only half an hour of being there she sent me a text saying, ‘All ok?’ I replied, ‘Yes, fine. Made a new friend already and playing on the table with wrestling figures. Jack is at […]

They gave out earthquake warnings on the news this evening, then my house started shaking… The poor thing must have been petrified.

After a hard and stressful day at work, I decided to treat my staff to a few drinks down the pub. Everything went according to plan, until the landlord said, “No dogs are allowed in here.”

I’ve just phoned the hospital and put them on standby. I’m just about to try and open a tin of corned beef.

Everyone says I must be mental because I hold my nostrils shut and tip my head back to stop nosebleeds. “If anything” They say, “At least wait until you actually have one.”

I was watching TV last night with my wife when she asked “what else is on?” She was pretty unimpressed when I said “the light”

I must abstain from licking windows, I’m putting the window cleaner out of buisness.

The wife just rushed into the kitchen and said, “You’ve burnt the custard, again!” In my defence, it is a really old kettle.

My wife went into a shop quickly and told me to wait for her. I drove off home, and she came in about an hour later. She said, “I told you to wait on me!” I said, “I did wait. But I was doing it while I was driving.”

Just taken the dog out to do his business. He’s a Corgi gas fitter.

“Well, well! I had to see it to believe it!” If more people thought this way, religion wouldn’t be so popular, would it?

My wife gave birth to our baby son today, and I’ve named him after my father. She wasn’t too impressed with the name, ‘The Milkman’, though.

Well thats the last time I use UPS delivery service… My prank suspicious parcel that I bought off eBay ages ago still hasn’t arrived.